Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
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me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
felt that
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it