[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
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My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
😂😂
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid