Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?