M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
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It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.