[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
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I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings