I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
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girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!