You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
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I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
This is always good for a laugh.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.