Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
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13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.