People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
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You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.