Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
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Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Breaking news:
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Lmfaoooooo
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat