[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
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Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Realize this:
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.