PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
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ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
this is so top tier i cant
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them