I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
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My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Acronyms got me like WTF?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away