I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
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Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.