Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
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You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer