current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
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Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?