I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
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Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.