“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
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Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
When someone says you are so lazy