When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
You Might Also Like
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Good boy 😂😂
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
don’t be scared
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”