Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you