Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
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Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
decorating my apartment
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!