Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
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[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit