The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
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Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
What my back needs
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.