My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
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Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My birthstone is a sushi roll.