Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
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My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
calling in to work dehydrated
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
My safe word is Worcestershire
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.