“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
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Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”