A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
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ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.