Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Chicken bread
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.