I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
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Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
how to exercise your calf muscles