{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
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Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
How do you like your Corgi?
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth