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Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Only a mother’s love …
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.