[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
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Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
bugs when you lift up a rock