Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
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I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
My new favorite headline