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Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.