Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
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#parenting
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.