You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
You Might Also Like
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I am crying
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?