My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
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I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.