Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
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What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
excuse me
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”