I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
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[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work