What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
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Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
yeah not falling for this one
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?