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Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?