be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?