Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
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Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
How software testing works
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.