I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
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Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Sign at work today
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.