cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
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I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me