They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
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Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.