[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
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Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.