microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
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Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
fair
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything