Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
You Might Also Like
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.