*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
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DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Facebook marketplace is a different world
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.